Dealing with Offense

Posted: October 2, 2012 in Matthew

Matthew 18:15-20, “Dealing with Offense”

Some things get so famous that they tend to take on a life of their own.  Back in the 2008 presidential campaign, many people thought Sarah Palin claimed that she could see Russia from her house in Alaska.  In reality, she didn’t say anything at all about it – this was a punch-line from a sketch on Saturday Night Live.  It just took on a life of its own.

A similar thing could be said for this famous section on church discipline.  This is where a noun gets turned into a verb (as in, “Let’s go Matthew 18 them!), and people can get carried away.  The whole idea of church discipline takes on its own life, sometimes getting to the point where it hardly resembles anything at all Jesus actually taught on the matter.

What Jesus did teach is very loving, very grace-filled, and badly needed.  Church discipline gets left out of a lot of churches simply because it’s uncomfortable, or since because so many people have done it wrong, they think it must not be worth doing at all.  And of course, that’s just not true.  Discipline, when done right, is something that can honor God & help the individual.  Just as an undisciplined child can easily bring harm on themselves & others, an offending Christian can not only hurt others, but bring harm to him/herself.  The loving thing to do is to discipline them.  Discipline protects – discipline seeks the best – and when responded to in the right way, discipline restores.

Two things need to get said before we begin: (1) If you’re listening to this & you’re not a believer in Jesus Christ, then please be patient today…this is somewhat of an in-house discussion.  What I would ask of you is that you see the heart of Jesus here, which is one of grace in application.  (2) Some of you may have had a very bad experience with a Christian or a local church in the past when discipline was done wrong, and now are hesitant with the whole thing.  Be careful not to throw out the baby with the bath-water.  What Jesus actually gives is incredibly loving, and seeks the best for all involved.  Again, listen to Him & His heart to see His desire for restoration.

Matthew 18:15–20
15 “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.

  • Moreover…”  This is coming out of a greater context.  Jesus has been talking about the believer in Christ who has gone astray – someone who has caused offense.  (Offense = bringing someone to ruin by stumbling them in their faith.  This could be brought on by someone else or the individual doing it to him/herself.)  Obviously this is not a theoretical discussion in the church.  These sort of offenses happen in real life to real people.  There are some people claiming to be Christian within the church that go from place to place leading other people astray and into ruin.  Lives are shipwrecked as these people go about, leaving destruction in their wake.  How is the church supposed to deal with these sort of things?  This is what Jesus addresses.
  • He starts out with two main criteria:  First, is it sin?  “if your brother sins against you…”  We’re not talking about an annoyance – we’re not talking about an issue of disagreement.  We’re not even talking about secondary issues of faith.  There is room for theological debate on non-essential issues without things crossing over into sin.  The question from Jesus is whether or not the issue is actual sin.  Has it moved to a place of transgression and hurt? 
    • Much of what supposedly falls under the label of Matthew 18 would disappear overnight if we limited things to issues of sin.  Let’s be honest: we’re not always going to agree with one another.  We’re not always going to be able to avoid stepping on toes from time to time, or getting our own toes stepped on.  We might encounter some rudeness or things that just irk us.  But this doesn’t mean that someone has sinned against us.  Some things can be looked over for the sake of love and unity, without throwing around Matthew 18 as a hammer.  The 1st issue is one of sin.  Sin needs to be addressed; ultra-sensitive egos need to be dealt with by the individual.
  • Second, is it against you? “if your brother sins against you”  Not all of the manuscripts have this clause, but it is included in the vast majority of ancient manuscripts & the church recognized it as the words of Jesus.  The NASB is fairly unique in omitting the words; they are included in the majority of quality English translations. …  Regarding the idea itself, it’s actually a fairly important point.  To be sure, open sin within the church is something that needs to be addressed, and there is a process for dealing with it (Gal 6:1-2).  But the context for Jesus is far more personal & regarding individual relationships.  Remember, Jesus has been talking about offenses, and things that cause us to sin.  The reason this is important to the individual is because they have personally been sinned against, or made to stumble.  They need to have some recourse of dealing with it in order to keep them from lapsing into bitterness & sin themselves.
    • What this means is that discipline according to Mt 18 applies if we’re the one who was sinned against.  Mt 18 is not carte-blanch to engage in the gossip mill, or to start sticking our noses into someone else’s business.  Even if we think that someone has been sinned against, it’s not our right to jump in & be the local tattle-tale.  If that person decides to walk in an attitude of forgiveness, who are we to step in the middle of that?
    • There’s an obvious caveat to this: abuse.  The person who is abused (be it female, male, child, or adult) usually doesn’t think he/she can or should ask for help.  In those cases, those who witness what is going on have a responsibility to intervene in a godly way, according to the Scriptures.  After all, God protects the defenseless, and we need to be ready to speak up on their behalf.  This is one of the things that would fall under Galatians 6: Galatians 6:1–2, "(1) Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted. (2) Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." []  Open sin (of any kind) is not something to be ignored, but it is to be dealt with in a manner that gives honor to God.
  • Once it’s been determined that the action/offense is indeed sin, and that it has occurred against you, what do you do about it?  Step 1: Jesus says to go by yourself and tell the other person about his fault…alone.  IOW, this is a one-on-one conversation, and the responsibility is yours to initiate it.  Please note what Jesus did NOT say: run & tell the pastor – spread the word on facebook – stay silent, but hold a grudge – pretend like nothing ever happened even though you can’t put it behind you, etc.  All of the things that we normally rush to do first are the very things we’re not supposed to do at all.  Even running to tell the pastor is wrong. “Why? After all, it seems like a holy response, right – and we’re supposed to tell the church.”  Not yet…it gets things all out of order & in actuality just compounds the problem.  The church isn’t supposed to get involved until Step 3, and this is only Step 1.
    • So many times, we look for a shortcut of getting things done our way instead of doing things the way God tells us – and invariably, it causes problems.  What could be solved simply often gets much more complicated.  What was a problem of one sin, now becomes a problem of multiple sin from multiple people, etc.  It’s tough for us to go before God in prayer about an offense against us when our own conscience witnesses against us regarding the sin we committed towards someone else.  Creating shortcuts never solves the problem; it only creates more of them.
  • OK – so we did things God’s way after our offense.  We’ve determined that this was a sin in need of addressing, and we’ve personally gone to that person to lovingly & humbly talk about the sin.  In doing so, the person responded with humility & love & heard us out.  Things ended with understanding & handshakes or a hug, or just a simple acknowledgment of what happened.  Now what?  Rejoice! J  “You have gained your brother.”  There has been reconciliation, and that’s the goal.  Any time we’re dealing with sin, the goal is restoration/reconciliation.  It’s never vengeance.  Vengeance belongs to the Lord.  Sometimes the Lord uses the governmental authorities to bring about His vengeance (He’s entrusted them with the right to bear the sword) – sometimes we wait until eternity for God to deal with the questions of justice.  But as individuals, “justice” is not left to us.  God does not want us trying to force people into our ideas of justice, because our ideas are often skewed.  As individuals, God has called us to love one another – and that means that the goal of Christian discipline is always reconciliation and restoration.  Our desire is to see a person’s own personal relationship with the Lord restored, and for relationships that have been broken between people to be healed.  When that happens, that’s a glorious thing – and that’s all we’re really looking for.
    • Please note that Jesus leaves this at the level of understanding. “If he hears you…”  The word used there is the common word for physical hearing.  Depending on the context, the word can refer to something other than the physical sensation, such as understanding/comprehension – but in essence, it’s talking about a message being received.  The point?  When we approach someone in godly humility according to Mt 18, we’re seeking understanding – which isn’t necessarily the same thing as compliance.  We cannot go into this kind of conversation with the assumption that we are 100% right, the other person is 100% wrong, and unless we get our way, then we’re going to escalate things to the next level.  That’s not the principle Jesus is teaching at all.  Jesus is preparing us to reach an understanding with one another – to inform someone of how we have been stumbled by their action against us, with the hope that our relationship can be restored.  It’s not a demand that they have to humble themselves before us, but rather a recognition that both parties are to humble themselves before God and seek His face and help.
  • BTW – the context here is obviously about what we do when there has been an offense against us.  But what happens if WE are the ones who have offended someone else?  What happens when we’re at fault?  Perhaps we didn’t realize what we had done at first, but it was either pointed out to us by the person, or we fell under the conviction of the Holy Spirit.  What do we do?  The same thing: we seek reconciliation.  Should we ignore our own responsibility, we bring harm to our relationship with God, thus reconciliation ought to be a priority for us.  Matthew 5:23–24, "(23) Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you,(24) leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift." []  God values loving reconciliation – we should, too.  Be it from us as the offended or as the offender.
    • How much does God value reconciliation?  In our sin, we were enemies against God, but God sent Jesus to be our reconciliation.  Though we were the ones at fault, God was the One who paid the price, moving heaven and earth in order that we could be reconciled to Him.  If that’s what God did, why would we be unwilling to do so much less in our own conflicts?

16 But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’

  • So what happens when humble understanding and reconciliation cannot/does not take place?  Perhaps the person steadfastly refuses to meet with you, or the person absolutely refuses to understand and try to be reconciled.  At that point, we go to step 2: go again, with witnesses.  Keep in mind Jesus was teaching His Jewish disciples, and in the Jewish mindset, 2 or more witnesses had a definitive legal role.  In the days before video recordings, finger-printing, and DNA testing, a criminal was mainly found guilty on the basis of reliable eye-witness testimony.  In a Hebrew court of law, 2 reliable witnesses in agreement with one another were enough to bring about a conviction.  Jesus actually quotes from the Torah here: Deuteronomy 19:15, "One witness shall not rise against a man concerning any iniquity or any sin that he commits; by the mouth of two or three witnesses the matter shall be established." []  How valued was the testimony of 2-3 eyewitnesses?  Enough to put someone to death (Deut 17:5).  Jesus is showing the principle from the law in regards to the new covenant people He establishes within the church.
  • Please note the number is limited.  The offended person still goes back to initiate the conversation, but he only takes “one or two more,” in order that there would only be 2-3 total people conversing with the offending sinner.  The idea is that 2-3 people is enough to establish the facts…the last thing that needs to happen is to have a large group of folks gang up on the person in order to intimidate him into admitting fault.  That’s not godly discipline; that’s a mob-mentality – it’s a kangaroo court that has nothing to do with the loving reconciliation that God desires for us to seek.
  • What do the witnesses do?  They are present in order to help “establish” the truth.  Jesus does not say to bring them to try to railroad a certain point of view; He wants the witnesses so that “every word may be established.”  If you bring in godly mature Christians into a conflict as witnesses, those Christians are going to be seeking the truth.  They are able to come into a situation with unbiased ears, listen to both sides of the story, and perhaps shed some light on things that we ourselves may not have seen.  Maybe we’re not quite as “in the right” as we thought we were – maybe we’ve been taking things out of context – maybe we’ve made some assumptions that we ought not have…these are the sorts of things that the 1-2 other witnesses may be able to see that we cannot.  Beyond that – even though the other party may not have been able to hear what we had to say, perhaps the 1-2 others may be able to say it in a way that the person can understand and come to terms with.  In short, the witnesses have far more responsibility than simply agreeing with whatever it is we might tell them; they are responsible to God to continue to seek reconciliation.

17 And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.

  • Here’s the final step.  If the truth of the offense has been established, and if the offender has refused to meet with, or to come to any understanding with the party that was hurt, then we proceed to step 3: tell the church.  This is the point in which the pastor and/or other elders get involved, and try to attempt a final reconciliation.
  • So how much of the church do you tell?  Is this a broadcast announcement on a Sunday morning, or just an announcement to the elders?  Interestingly enough, Jesus doesn’t say.  The whole process is very specific until this point, and there seems to be quite a bit of liberty & flexibility.  Certainly, it’s not always this wide-open.  In the case of a pastor or an elder that has committed sin, and that has been affirmed by witnesses, the Bible tells us that those leaders are to be rebuked “in the presence of all, that the rest may fear.” (1 Tim 5:20)  But that’s not the direct case in mind here.  Why does Jesus leave it so open?  Perhaps because every situation is different.  There are certainly cases in which a sin is so grievous, and the person so influential in a local congregation, that everyone in the church needs to know the application of discipline – not for public shaming or embarrassment, but just so that the people know that the unrepentant offender is to be treated like a heathen or tax collector.  There are other cases in which the offense itself may be of a very sensitive nature, and a public announcement would only bring more harm to the offended – that might be dealt with more quietly.  And of course, there is a whole range in between.  This is when the elders would need to meet & seek the Lord, trusting God to guide them on how best to apply vs. 17.
    • At this point, the question might come up of: “Have we ever had to do this at CC Tyler?”  And the answer is yes.  We’ve never had an announcement from the pulpit or in a public meeting, but we have had to inform certain people at times regarding the exercise of discipline.  It’s never something that is taken lightly, and if there is any time that the board of elders covets your prayers, it is during these times.  Please don’t stop praying for me, or any of the elders on our board. (Greg, Dave, Brady, Dave A…)
  • Hopefully, there is reconciliation at this point.  But if not, what happens?  Ex-communication. “Let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.”  Again, the idea is not punishment, as if we are to cast someone out as rudely as possible and treat them as someone who is hated.  Instead, we treat them as someone who is not included in the covenant of Jesus Christ.  They are acting as someone in rebellion against God, so we treat them as someone who needs to be saved.  It’s not that we cut off all contact with the person, but we make no assumption that he/she is a believer in Jesus Christ as Lord.  We do not include them in Christian practices such as baptism or communion – we don’t invite them to believers’ meetings, but we do pray for them and continue to share the gospel with them.  Question: Can they walk through the doors of the church building?  Sure – how else will they continue to hear the word of God, which can pierce their heart like a 2-edged sword and bring conviction?  But they cannot be counted as full-fledged members of the body of Christ – there is simply no way of knowing that they are IN Christ while they are in rebellion against the Lord.  We make no pretense that they are Christian, and pretend that everything is OK, when it most definitely is not.
  • Objection: “But that seems too harsh!  Cast them out…really?!”  Yes.  Perhaps being excommunicated (in a God-honoring way, according to the Scriptures) is the very thing that will awaken them to their sin and cause them to seek reconciliation again.  In fact, a local church that refuses to take this step may actually hinder someone from coming to the grips of his/her own sin, simply because they never face any real consequences from it.  Those consequences need to be felt in order that they would turn back to God.  The Corinthian church hesitated to engage in this sort of discipline with a man who had an incestuous relationship with his mother-in-law, and Paul chastised them for it, commanding the man to be excommunicated…with a purpose.  1 Corinthians 5:3–5, "(3) For I indeed, as absent in body but present in spirit, have already judged (as though I were present) him who has so done this deed. (4) In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, when you are gathered together, along with my spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus Christ, (5) deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus." []  Notice the heart of Paul was still for reconciliation!  This man needed to be saved, and that wasn’t going to happen as long as he had the assurance of his false-conversion because the church paid no attention to his sin.  Casting his out of the church was the very best thing for the man, in order that it would cause him to examine himself to see if he really was in the faith.  (Thankfully, it appears that this man DID repent, and Paul wrote to the church again, eagerly exhorting them to take him back! 2 Cor 2:8)
    • Likewise, for the person who has gone through the 3rd step of church discipline, the heart of the church still always ought to be for reconciliation and restoration.  If the person repents, then there ought to be no hesitation in receiving him/her back into the church.  That’s not a time to hold grudges, nor a time to force someone to grovel and prove themselves; it’s a time to rejoice.  As Jesus taught about the shepherd who rejoiced over the one straying sheep who was found, the church ought to rejoice over the straying sheep who have been found by the Lord Jesus!

That’s all how to address the issue of sin and conflict.  Yet how do we know if we’re acting appropriately?  After all, confrontation can be a scary thing.  No one wants to do it (not even pastors!), and we can second-guess ourselves into paralysis if we’re not careful.  Jesus didn’t want us to enter the “paralysis by analysis” – He wants us to know that when we follow God’s instructions regarding church discipline, we are working in the authority that God has given us.  He Himself backs us up.

18 “Assuredly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.

  • If this sounds familiar, it’s because Jesus said the exact same words to Peter after his famous confession as Jesus being the Christ, the Son of the Living God when they were at Caesarea Philippi. Matthew 16:18–19, "(18) And I also say to you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build My church, and the gates of Hades shall not prevail against it. (19) And I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.”" []  Peter had been entrusted with the gospel message, which he (and the other disciples) would pass along to the rest of the church.  And Peter would be acting in the authority of God, as one of Jesus’ disciples.  As Peter continually walked in line with the will of God & the power of the Holy Spirit, he would work in agreement with God.  Thus the miracles that Peter would later do, occurred by the will of God – which with Peter acted in one accord as he was led by the Spirit.  Things were bound & loosed supernaturally through the workings of miracles, and they were bound & loosed spiritually as the gospel went forth and people received the salvation of Christ.
  • Although we do not have the same position in the kingdom of God as one of the 12 apostles, we share in a similar authority when we are walking in one accord with the will of God.  The judgments made by the church are binding (when done rightly) because they are done according to the will of God that is already made plain through the Scriptures.  We don’t have to guess at how to handle matters of conflict among believers in the church – Jesus tells us clearly how to do it.  Thus if the 2-3 witnesses establish that a sin has taken place, then it has indeed taken place.  If the church has to bind someone in excommunication, then it is honored by God as being bound.  (BTW – This is how we can say that if a person rejects the judgment of the church elders that they are in rebellion against God.  God lends His authority to the church when the church acts as He has directed them to act.)
  • Keep in mind that the authority is not ours; it’s God’s.  We’re simply moving in what He has directed us to do.  The process of church discipline is not something that a bunch of guys in a back room sat around dreaming up while chomping on donuts; this was given to us by the Lord Jesus Christ.  Jesus said that He would build His church, and that means far more than merely granting people salvation – it means guiding and leading the church through all its up’s & down’s.  Jesus is not blind to the fact that there will be conflict between His followers.  His prayer for the church was unity – and the reason He needed it to be a prayer request is because it would not happen apart from the supernatural work of God!  Humans are humans, redeemed or not – and Jesus wisely knew that we would need a method of resolving conflict.  This is what He gave to us & thus the full authority of God is behind it.

19 “Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven.

  • In case there was any doubt regarding what Jesus just said, He affirmed it here.  If the church was going to bind something or loose something according to the will of God, then they could be sure that God would back them up.  God will not act in variance with His revealed will.  He gave very clear instructions on the process that leads to excommunication or restoration, and He would not hold the church at fault for working in accordance with His word.
  • Please note the context here.  This verse (as does vs. 20) often gets quoted out of context for all sorts of things.  Well-meaning Christians who pray for healing will often say, “Lord, and we know since the two of us agreed in this prayer regarding this healing, that You will work…”  But that’s not the point of Jesus’ statement.  This goes directly back to the 2-3 witnesses.  This isn’t an issue of moving mountains in faith (Jesus taught about that back in Ch 17:20 & only one Christian was necessary for that!); this is an issue of establishing fact in the midst of a conflict.  If it has been judged that one person is in sin through the proper methods in the church, then we can be assured that God agrees with us & has led us to that conclusion.

20 For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them.”

  • Here’s the final assurance of God’s authority: God’s presence.  When the 2-3 witnesses judge, they can be sure God is right with them.  When the elders of the local church make a decision after humbly seeking the Lord & in obedience to the Scriptures, they can be sure Jesus is with them and has led them to that place.  God wants us to have the confidence to walk in faith, and He does that by assuring us of His guiding presence. Those who follow the Lord’s directions in humility and love can have confidence in the decision that God has led them to…so they need not hesitate in the practice.
    • Doesn’t it make you feel better about trying something new when an expert is with you?  It’s one thing to jump out of a plane; it’s another thing to skydive in tandem with an expert.  The latter person has a lot more confidence!  When it comes to obedience to the word of God, we’re “jumping” in tandem with the Lord Jesus.  He’s right there.  Obviously this is not something with which we should ever become arrogant, but it ought to give us much confidence to act according to His written word alongside the counsel of other godly Christians.
  • Again, we need to remember the context.  This is not a statement on how much of a quorum is required before we can have a worship service.  Christians who are in solitary confinement for their faith have just as much assurance of the presence of God as does a mega-church.  Jesus has given us the promise of being with us always, even to the end of the age (Mt 28:20), and that doesn’t change if there is one person or 1000 people around.
  • BTW – don’t miss the subtle statement here about Jesus’ divinity.  How is it possible that Jesus can be multiple places at one time?  After all, He is an incarnate person…physically, it would be impossible to be all around the world in the presence of every believer.  Yet with God, nothing is impossible.  Physically, Jesus is always in the same place: at the right hand of God the Father in the throne room of heaven.  Spiritually as God the Son, Jesus can personally be with every single believer all over the world because God the Son is just as omnipresent as God the Father & God the Spirit.  This is a statement by Jesus that He is indeed God.  We would be gathered in HIS name (a name with absolute authority), and no matter where we are, we can be assured of HIS presence.  That can only happen if the “HIM” is God.

When done rightly, discipline protects the offended and seeks the restoration of the offender.  People are reconciled to each other in love, and God is honored among all.  That’s a wonderful thing!  That’s something we should never hesitate to want to see!

Yet it’s something that is rarely seen because we so often want a shortcut to the process.  Instead of first evaluating the situation to see if it’s something that needs addressing, and then personally engaging in the sometimes uncomfortable process of conversation, we seek to make ourselves comfortable & the whole thing short-circuits.  Relationships get worse, not better – people get driven further away from God – and we ourselves become guilty of as much sin as the person who offended us.  May God help us do things the right way: HIS way!

If it is indeed sin:

  • Go yourself.  Make an appointment for lunch or coffee, or just try to grab some dedicated time with that person to talk.  It might go far easier than you think, as long as you go in humility yourself after you’ve been personally seeking the Lord.
  • Take 1-2 witnesses.  Don’t gang up on anyone, but bring mature believers who might be able to help sort out the mess and provide an unbiased perspective to get to the truth.
  • Tell the church.  When all else has failed, THEN tell the church.  Without engaging in gossip, or a more PC “prayer request,” tell a pastor or another elder, and inform the church leadership so that they can start taking the appropriate action.
  • As you do these things in an attitude of concern for the other person & humility towards God, you can be sure that you’re acting in accordance with God’s word.  He’ll back you up.

Maybe there’s someone that has come to mind, and the Holy Spirit has been urging you about this situation for some time.  You haven’t wanted to deal with it in the past, but it’s something that has truly hurt you & you just can’t move past it in your relationship with this person.  It’s always there as the elephant in the room, though you don’t want to say anything about it.  Commit to talking to this person this week, and start the process of reconciliation.

Maybe there’s someone whom you confronted, but you know you went about it in the wrong way.  Perhaps you jumped the gun in talking to others, or you just jumped down their throat demanding your own way.  That’s something in which you need to seek their forgiveness.  It may be humbling, but it’s the right thing to do…so go do it.

  1. When home churches have to come together to discipline one of their own, everyone feels the pain. But don’t worry about your home church being messed up or losing heart because of church discipline. The opposite is usually the case. Home groups who pay the price of love for disciplining their own members usually find themselves encouraged and built up afterward. The church usually takes on a new sense of seriousness and vision for living for God. Those struggling with sin usually report that they were strengthened by the experience. Those being disciplined are often the ones most blessed by the experience. Many of our leaders today, even at the highest levels in our church, point to the time when they were disciplined as the key turning point in their lives, and the event God used to rescue them from a destructive sin habit.

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